Citizens of the center of the universe, our crack 025thresearch team has uncovered a doozy! s02536 headquarters is at def con 37 right now! The phones are ringing off the hook! the fax machine is making that god awful gut wrenching noise that fax machines make for some unknown reason (screw the guy who came up with that idea)! Our interns are running around like their hair is on fire! Some Gene Hackman looking guy in a plaid fedora just threw his cigar out the window, punched himself in the nuts and ran out the door! We have no idea who he was but it happened. It is absolute pandemonium!

There is an enemy afoot folks. If this man gets his way there is a chance that you would have to do something unthinkable. Something so heinous that even typing it may damn us to an eternity of… uh… damnation I guess. In this mans world we would have to, get ready, here it comes… travel as much as five miles to get to the post office.

Quick press play!



So here is what we are talking about, It is a story in The Cape Cod Times in which the author, speaking on the US Postal Services study to close Post Offices, suggests that having three post offices in a five mile radius is too many for the center of the universe. We will paste the relevant parts here for you, or click here for the entire story.

The writer, Sean Gonsalves (come on how can someone named Sean Gonsalves speak against the 02536?) has valid points for sure, but where he falters badly is when he brings the 02536 into the mix. Let’s get to the story:

A little over a week ago, USPS honchos announced the initiation of a study, looking specifically at 3,700 offices in mostly rural areas — the first phase in identifying the offices to be 86ed. Of the 43 in Massachusetts on the “study” list, only two are in our neck of the woods. One candidate is Nantucket Station 1, one of three post offices on the island. The other one is closer to Martha’s Vineyard on Cuttyhunk, the outermost hunk of sand of the Elizabeth Islands….

Dude, you can walk the circumference of Nantucket in twelve minutes, and Cuttyhunk? Seriously? Seven people live on Cuttyhunk, and they live there because they obviously don’t want anything to do with society, wouldn’t that be doing them a favor?

….Now, you don’t have to be Mark Zuckerberg to know what’s pushing post offices toward the same fateful cliff newspapers are teetering toward….

And you don’t have to be Steve Buscemi to lick the spots off a dalmation, who gives a shit?

….Again, no one wants to see their post office close and be replaced by the early 20th century throwback the USPS is now touting as an alternative — “Village Post Offices” tucked away in the corner of a convenience store or supermarket.

You are absolutely right, there is no chance anyone wants to get their mail tucked into a 1/2 pound of thinly sliced pastrami at Family Foods Sean, it just wouldn’t be right, this is America not Papua New Guinea, we are a civilized lot here in the 02536. Keep your Boars Head away from my W2 please.

If closures must happen on the Cape and Islands, the question stands: Nantucket and Cuttyhunk? That’s it?!….

….Then, there’s the three post offices in East Falmouth just off Route 28, within five miles of each other: one in Waquoit, another near Davisville Road and a third just up the street a bit in Teaticket….

Whoa pal, you cut that out this instant! You have obviously never been to the East Falmouth Post Office at lunch time. The place is like the studio 54 dance floor, they need bouncers in there, it’s just 37 people crammed into a phone booth straddling boxes like they were running some kind of cardboard Kentucky Derby, it’s mayhem.

And I don’t care if the average resident here was 37 when they realized Waquoit even had a post office, place is quaint. We like it.

Oh and if you take away the Teaticket Post Office how will people ever find Beagle Lane? The Post Office is the only possible way to describe where Beagle Lane is. Those poor people are already over run with cats and now you want them to live in exile because none of their friends can find their house? Exiled with cats climbing on their faces and shit? You would do that to them!?

….No doubt there will be those who will be adamant that closing “their” post office will have unacceptable detriments — though you can’t tell me nixing one of the overlooked post offices mentioned above will be more of an inconvenience for area residents than closing the sole post office on Cuttyhunk.

Cuttyhunk again? Tell you what, we’ll tie the four articles of mail they get per month onto the antlers of one of those deer that swim over there. When it gets there they can grab the mail off of it like they were taking the decorations down from a moving Christmas Tree ok? They probably could use the excitement since nothing at all has happened there since 1967.

Cute story, just leave the 02536 out of it next time please?

 

Is Silver Shores in the 02536? Hey it’s fiction it can be anywhere we want it to be, and we say it is… tonight at least. Anyway The Running Waves is available on kindle now at the 0253sixxy price of 99 cents. Name one thing cooler you could do for 99 cents, I dare you. Buy it.

Plus the authors are kinda hot and might rub the goats belly if you do. If you’ve been living in a cave and don’t know what you are looking at, here’s a review from the old site archive that’s in the construction process- click here

Ladies and gentl… er, guys of the 02536, we are often asked how the average person can help to better our esteemed corner of the earth. Well in Tuesdays Enterprise that question was not only answered, but straight owned by Linda Davis. The answer?

Beach parties.

How does this help you ask? Well Linda and us here at s02536 are in agreement that the beaches are the lifeblood of our community. Nice beaches = lot’s of people. One of the reasons our summers are not as booming as they once were, and our real estate sales are screeching to a halt is that people have no ties here anymore. Shitty beaches (and nightlife) in No Fun Falmouth mean people don’t come and bring their kids, and if kids don’t come and they don’t develop ties or memories here then they have no reason to come as adults. Everyone complains about the tourists, but we all know we need them right? But we digress…

This article, written by Christopher Kazarian (good look on the east side story)  in The Enterprise was the impetus for the return of this website, to bestow the proper praise upon this Linda Davis, steward of the center of the universe.

Linda was upset about a capital request turned down for beach improvement, so did she whine about it to her friends like it was traffic or a rainy day? Nope. She decided to start a grassroots support group for our beaches. Anyone can join and there is no membership fee. What oh what does she plan to do to raise money?

Beach parties.

She is having a beach party to raise money for Menauhant Beach, she called it a “no brainer” and we are inclined to agree. Linda also described it as “an easy way to get others involved… this requires much less effort”. Genius!

Linda has landed a deathblow to all over complicated twelve committee feasibility study type government quagmires.

Check this list out:

1. Grassroots (no useless hearings)

2. Anyone can get involved (no closed doors)

3. Beach parties!

4. Doesn’t cost anything

5. Requires much less effort (Gold star for that)

6. Beach parties! (yup that’s twice and we don’t give a shit)

Here is the final awesomeness… Linda has also asked selectmen to declare August 20th Menauhant Beach Day! Not gonna lie I got so excited I peed a little when I read that. So go, bring a goodwill offering to help the cause if you can or just help set up or clean up… just go.

So Linda not only are you responsible for the best and most sane idea we have heard in a long time to improve the 02536, you also are the catalyst for our return. May 42 puppies lick your face while Panda bears massage your feet for all of eternity. You are hereby awarded the s02536 8 star award of excellence.

via The Cape Cod Times

EAST FALMOUTH — When a passer-by saw Charlie making his way down Brick Kiln Road last week, she knew something was amiss.

“She saw him just kind of trotting down the road and she said, ‘Hey, he doesn’t belong here,’” said Sara Eastman, 30, who owns the 11-year-old African spurred tortoise.

Earlier that day, July 31, Eastman knew something nefarious was afoot when she discovered the wire fence meant to keep Charlie in her Lakewood Drive backyard was broken and the tortoise, which weighs approximately 25 pounds, was nowhere to be found. It was the second time in less than a month that a pet tortoise had disappeared from the yard.

“The first time we didn’t think anything of it,” said Eastman’s sister, Alicia Eldredge, 29.

The other tortoise was smaller than Charlie, who could grow to about 200 pounds.

When the first tortoise went missing during July Fourth weekend, the family assumed it squeezed through part of the fence, Eldredge said. Not so the second time, however.

“I have to say, two tortoises within 30 days, that’s not a coincidence,” Eldredge said.

Police who responded to the call agreed, listing the incident as a larceny in their logs.

Eastman adopted Charlie to replace the first tortoise, to whom her 9-year-old daughter, Shelby Bazycki, had grown attached.

“He’s not native to this country,” Eastman said, noting that temperatures below 60 degrees, among other factors common to the Northeast, would kill Charlie.

“I called animal control and said, ‘OK, this is probably going to be the weirdest story you’ve ever heard.’”

The passer-by who found Charlie also contacted animal control, and the tortoise was reunited with the family later that night.

The next day, Charlie returned to his fenced-in habitat, but that did not last very long.

Eastman received a call from her fiance, who, upon returning from work, discovered that the tortoise was once again missing.

“Who did we piss off?” asked Eastman, upset by the repeated thefts.

After she talked to a neighbor who saw Charlie wandering around, the tortoise was eventually found about 1½ miles from the house.

“That’s strange,” said neighbor Leopoldine Murray when told of the repeated incidents. “I don’t understand (the motive).”

Eastman noted that Charlie did not appear harmed either time they got him back.

“He wasn’t abused, he wasn’t hurt, he was just picked up and dropped off,” she said.

Eastman, who has a suspect in mind, hypothesized that the motive is one of animal activism.

“I get the whole animal activist thing, but this is someone’s pet,” she said.

A similar petnapping happened to the family in 2009 when someone took one of their three dogs from the yard while she was home, Eastman said.

In that case, they spent about a month posting signs around the neighborhood and ads on Craigslist while searching for their mini Pomeranian, Lola. Eventually, a man returned the dog, saying his neighbor had the pet and he had recognized it from the posters.

On Monday morning, Charlie was in the 12-by-12 foot chain-linked kennel that Eastman set up after the tortoise was returned.

He scurried around in the grass at a leisurely pace when Eastman let him out.

“You just come here, let him chase you around, he lets you pick him up,” she said.

Shelby played with the tortoise as he made his way to a separate kennel where the dogs live, his head retreating into his shell as two canines barked at him from behind the fence.

Since putting Charlie in the locked kennel, he has not disappeared from the property, Eastman said.

“I just think it’s ridiculous, living on Cape Cod, that I have to keep my animals under lock and key,” she said.

What the hell? Is this East Falmouth or the twilight zone? first problem we have here is with the “trotting” of the turtle. Ummm… have any one of you ever seen a turtle trot? No chance. They waddle, they mosey, maybe sometimes scurry but they never… ever… in any way… trot.

Also, nefarious? Really? In a missing tortoise case? Sounds a little extreme.

Next up we have the suspected motive. Animal rights activism? If this is true then there is a seriously deranged person in our zip code folks. This person took a Mini Pomeranian? Like the plan was to release Fifi back into the wild so she could be in her natural habitat and eat berries and field mice and shit? You know how long a Pomeranian would last outside of a climate controlled 68 degree environment without three cans of Fancy Feast a day? 28 minutes. A mini one? 4 seconds. It’s true, google it.

Oh and just so you know Mr. Saver of the animals, this is what happens to turtles in the hood:

via boston.com

A dead adult leatherback turtle washed up on a Falmouth beach this week, but despite the propeller strikes on its underside, officials said they are not sure what killed the endangered reptile. The turtle washed up in front of the Tides Motel on Falmouth Harbor about 7:30 p.m. Tuesday, and a necropsy performed yesterday determined that the animal had been dead for five to six days, said Tony LaCasse, spokesman for the New England Aquarium.

Shit is real in the heel of The Cape there PETA Pete, better leave Charlie in the backyard before he gets cut up by a Sea Ray and ends up with necrophilia performed on him, or whatever the christ that story just said.

Our theory? These turtles was lookin’ ta get hiiiiigghhhhh. Everyone knows turtles are stoners that love adventure, just ask Nemo

I bet these turtles were just trying to get to Seacoast to score a nickel bag, that’s all. C’mon let Chuck puff one down for crying out loud, dude is bored as hell. Even Arnold does it…

s02536 baby, even the turtles are actin’ weird!

Was it over when they dropped hippie sand on Menauhant?

There have been a lot of requests to bring back the go2536 in the last year, but we have always felt that the site had its time and its place in this world, and that time is past.  Not to mention its tragic demise in the great server crash of 2010 is still a bit of a sore spot.

That said there have been a few times when we have read of injustices, or swelled with pride upon hearing news of the 02536 and been tempted to re-launch.  Today was such a day, and it was strong enough to motivate a re-birth. We will get to that post later, for now we have some work to do getting the site dialed in, but if you would like to sign back up for email alerts when we post, just click “join the movement” in the header, or you can like us on facebook over to the right and get your updates that way. Either way we will be off and running by the morning and posting stuff.

As always this site depends on the vigilant people of the 02536 to send tips in stories, photos etc. c’mon we know you have some stored away from the hiatus. Our tip line is just above the facebook box on the right.

It is not go2536 coming back, but a new site, a brand new beginning. We present to you the good people of the center of the universe… s02536.com.